Warning: This Is Not a ‘Feel Good’ Post

It’s cold, my arthritic ankle with the displaced bone is screaming at me, due to the cold. My mother had a heart attack, we had to say goodbye to our fifteen year old four legged, canine son, McQueen, who had been with us for thirteen of those years (He was a rescue.), and his eighteen year old feline sister (Her name was Mangie. She showed up at our second floor back door fire escape as a tiny kitten. We started feeding her. Her hair was matted, so we nicknamed her Mangie. Once she came inside, the moniker stuck.) decided she wasn’t going to hang around without her brother, so we said goodbye to her two weeks and a day after saying goodbye to McQueen. It’s been a rough few weeks, to say the least.

As many people know, stress can drastically effect MS symptoms. So can drastic changes in temperature. Double whammy right now. In the past month, here in Nashvegas, we have had both seventy degree weather, and (like today) dropped down to temps in the teens within days of each other. This wreaks havoc on my body. From joints aching terribly bad, (My ankle feels like a bone is breaking in there, every forth or fifth step I take.) to pseudo-exacerbations, (That is a situation where you get symptoms similar to a relapse, but it’s really just a flare up of the problems that already exist.), to crazy heavy brain fog, MS just loves to team up with Mother Nature to torture those of us fighting it. Sometimes, during these times, it honestly feels like the universe has it out for me. Well, you know what, Mother Nature? Fuck you. We’ve never gotten along very well anyway, but I was willing to be the bigger man. I’m done with that. I’m going to use as much plastic, paper, straws, hairspray (even though I don’t need it), weed killer, whatever hurts you, so you can feel in return what you are doing to me.

You see, she and I have never really gotten along well. I grew up in rural northern Illinois with winter from about October through April, most years. I hate cold AND snow. During the summer months, hobbits would come to our area trying to dispose of magic rings, it gets so hot. Along with that came multitudes of biting, buzzing, stinging insects. So, yeah. I hate her, and she seems to feel the same about me. We used to have a very tenuous treaty, but now that I have MS………..well, that treaty is no longer being honored by her, so why should I continue to?



Seriously, though. This year of Two Thousand and Nineteen has kicked off to a fucked up start. We aren’t even through month three, and I’m already ready to see if next year will be better. One heart attack, and two dead fur babies. And it’s only March. Yeah. This year can suck it, and choke on the emission. I don’t dare say, “It can’t get much worse.” because Mother Nature has a way of proving me wrong quite often. I think she would take it as a challenge.

2019-03-11 (1)
Mother Nature has a history of proving man wrong.

We have one fur baby left. Lucille. She’s part Siamese, but you would never guess it, looking at her pudgy self. She’s the last one standing. In a matter of six years we’ve gone from six of us down to three of us. The house is so quiet, now. No Simon. No McQueen. No Mangie. Hang on, Lucille! You bitchy little eating machine! You’re all we’ve got left!

Well, fuck it. This is all I have for this one. And, sorry, but I warned you it wasn’t a feel good post. Let’s hope we start going up from here. Karma better get to work on evening this shit out. C’mon, Queen Karma! Jen and I need some payback!

Until next time……………


16 thoughts on “Warning: This Is Not a ‘Feel Good’ Post

    1. Yeah, but we are supposed to feel good SOME of the time, right. On my best days, I still don’t feel good. I make the most of it to get by. But I’m getting really worn out.


      1. Because ‘best’ does not mean good. Best simply means better than the rest. If all is bad, the best can be the least bad. Politics is a perfect example. Our last election, especially. We had a choice between two crappy candidates. People voted for who they thought would be the better of the two bad choices. Both sucked, but in people’s minds, one of the two was best of the two. Still shitty, but the best of the two.


      2. you can’t apply political sense to your life. i don’t mean to be disrespectful but if you think your life sucks, then change it. you can’t just settle for the least bad, because there is ALWAYS a third option, an option you create for yourself. if you don’t find a way out no one will find it for you


      3. I don’t think you are understanding what I’m saying. As you get older, you will learn, maybe. Disease and old age make changes that one doesn’t have control over. Life has troubles you can’t ‘change’, as you say. Especially when you have a debilitation. One can only work with what one has. I can’t change when those close to me die, (which there has been a lot of that for us the past decade.). I can’t change the fact that I have MS. It makes my life amazingly hard. I can’t not have it. It’s what makes every day hard. So, with your advice, how do I change my body feeling horrible with pain, unbalance, and blurry vision. How do I change that?


      4. like i said i am terribly sorry if my words offended you. i know that some things are just beyond our control i really get that and i know what it feels like to lose people i have lost many since a young age i lost a parent and a really close relative. i might not undestand what it feels like with MS but what i m trying to say is that you are right you can’t change it so why not try and live with it, i’ve been throught seriously rough times myself, i was so deep in a whole that i never imagined a way out, i did some things i’m not proud of because of that, when i realized that some things just can’t change i focused on the things i can control, the things i’m good at and the things i can do best and make me feel good because things aren’t always black


      5. I’m not sure if you’ve read any earlier posts, but I AM living with it, and making the best of it, but it’s been constant for a while now, and I’m getting worn out. I’m guessing you are younger. You have the energy, and no disease holding you back. I’m worn out all the time. But I still work, I still go out with friends, and I still have a wonderful time with my wife. It’s just painful through all of it, physically. And I don’t last as long at outings, and have to leave early, often when I’m enjoying myself. I can’t change any of that. I simply try to make the most of it, but it doesn’t change the fact that no matter how good I feel, I still feel bad. I can’t change that. It’s a disease. An incurable disease. It has taken away my balance, my cognitive thinking, and my career. But I’m still here, fighting. This blog is part of that. And don’t worry. I am not offended. I just think you are misunderstanding some of what I’m saying. At my best, when I was playing music on a regular basis, I felt unstoppable. I NEVER feel that good anymore. My body will never let me feel that good again, unless they come up with a cure for MS.


      6. honestly no i just discovered your blog and this one was the first one i read, i may not feel it but i understand what you are going through maybe not specifically but the fact that you are still trying to make the most of it is inspiring. i know a few people who sobb over their bad luck just because of a small setback. i truely mean it. maybe your body will not let you feel THAT good but you can feel another type of good, life is full of other options that will give you a whole new definition of good and i hope you find it


      7. The thing is, I have a new definition of good. It’s not as ‘good’ as it used to be. That’s the whole point. I enjoy when I’m enjoying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am in pain. I’m still having fun. I’m just doing it in spite of the pain. So, to reiterate my point. On my best days, I still feel crappy. Period. I can’t change that. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy those days. I fucking love them. But it doesn’t change the fact that on those days, I still feel crappy.


      8. And, that’s not applying political sense. That was simply showing that, sometimes the choices you have all suck. No matter if it’s the 3rd, 4th, or 5th option. P.S. Good conversation, here. Thank you!


  1. Doc, my friend, I “feel” your pain…in a sense. My 13-yr-old has fibromyalgia and this winter has been hell. We are still figuring out how to help him and as a teen he is still developing the skills to manage his pain. So as a person watching my loved one in pain…I “feel” your pain. And as you said, you can’t just decide to NOT have your condition. I miss seeing my happy boy and I hope that one day soon we find the combination of medicine and therapy that helps him to smile again. Hugs to you. Thank you for your words…I appreciate the honesty in them.


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